Twenty Five

Last week, I turned the grand age of 25.

It may be unsurprising to know that I didn't wake up that morning with new-found wisdom and the answers to the questions of life. 

Instead, I woke covered in sequins with a nice hangover all wrapped up in a bow.

I still have the same ridiculous childlike outlook to life and optimism that sometimes gets the better of me.  

But an hour before the clock struck midnight on my birthday, I was harping on about how content and happy I was this birthday, more so than I can remember being before. Despite my life still pretty up-in-air and me still not having a clue what I'm doing. 

(It might've been the cocktails talking, but let's go with a new-found epiphany from my mid-twenties).

When I was a teen, I had such an idea of how my life was going to be like when I was well in my 20s, but when 15-year-old me didn't know was that in actual fact, I didn't know shit...

F R I E N D S

What 15-year-old Amy thought...

After a school life of having a pretty big friendship circle, it was like I was part of one big gang of guys and girls. And I was. It was the best as a teen. You always had someone you knew someone who'd share a bottle of Apple Sourz with at pre-drinks, or who would help you put fake tan on your back in a streaky fashion. Everyday in the 6th form common room was like one great, big party, and every weekend it actually was, and of the fancy dress variety in fact. And this will only continue and grow as I grow up. Imma have hundreds and hundreds of friends y'all.

What my 25-year-old life is actually like...

Those friends are still friends and we care about each other to the moon and back (you can be damn sure if someone had something less-than-nice to say about one of them, then my hoops would be whipped off and I would give my best Rocky impression...before inevitably falling to the ground.)

While the day-to-day circle may have grown smaller, the group who I know has my back and would be there for me come what may, well, that's only grown from strength to strength.
It's cliche, but it is quality, not quantity. 

You may not see some friends for weeks and months on end, but when you do, you pick up from where you left off with no problems. And the ones you see all the time, while you've not grown up together, you've grown together, and probably know you better than you do yourself. 

R E S P O N S I B I L I T I E S

What 15-year-old Amy thought...

Longing for the day where homework would be a thing of a that past and I could stop saving up loose change as I'll be working 9 to 5 and have all the money in the world to splurge on whatever the hell I want. I'd buy designer shoes, jet off to private islands, and no-one can tell me I can't cus there'll be no-one telling me what to do with my life, YAY.

What my 25-year-old life is actually like...

My GOD how I wish I had someone to sort out my life. Boring life admin stuff like washing, ironing and bills just don't come into account when you think about what being an adult is like when you're younger. Not to even mention all the emotional shit like work/life balance and those pesky things like feelings. Some days, it would just be fab if someone could just take care of it ALL, while I just curled up into a teenage ball and binged on everything the internet has to offer.

B O Y S

What 15-year-old Amy thought...

By the time I'm in my twenties, that's like so old. I'll have gone through all the rubbish boys and found y'know, like, THE ONE, and live happily after together. Sunday lunches with the in-laws, pet puppies galore and domesticated housewife to the max. 

What my 25-year-old life is actually like...

Oh HELL no. I am so not ready for any of that marriage malarky. I have so much more I want to do, and while it's fun having a partner-in-crime for the ride, I'm not ready to not be completely selfish yet. I know someday it'll all just feel, RIGHT. But that day keeps gets pushed further and further back the more I live and love my life.

There's been highs and quite a few lows in between. But all the tears, hours crying along to Adele, heart aches and heart breaks are worth it for the connections, memories, laughter, adventures and sparks. It sometimes seems like I'm no closer to finding that special gooseberry, but I know I am. I used to think I knew exactly the kind of person I want to be with,  but all the shit dates and awful break-ups also make me realise what I don't want. And that's just as important. Why should you settle for seconds best when you should always put yourself, first. 

H O U S E 

What 15-year-old Amy thought...

One of those pastel coloured town houses in West Kensington in London please! That would be fabulous and I'll decorate it all in Cath Kidston and have tea parties all the bloody time. It'll be great.

What my 25-year-old life is actually like...

So yeah, there's these thing called mortgages? And the housing market is a shambles, which is a nice little treat for us millenials eh?! But shared houses means drinking buddies for nights out, having someone to stroke your hair while you throw up at 3am, and discovering some gems who become friends for life, who I would've never met if you used all that money I don't have, to splash on a house to live on my own. (Also, the kitsch Cath Kidston phase came and went pretty quickly.)

F A S H I O N

What 15-year-old Amy thought...

Vogue, eat your heart out. I'll be strutting into the office with the highest of heels on, looking swish with the newest IT bag, and ALL the designer gear. I'll be covered in all the brands and labels, just you wait and see, I'll be chic af.

What my 25-year-old life is actually like...

Pricey Von Dutch caps and having Juicy written across your butt weren't all it's cracked up to be. And I'm so thankful I didn't spend a whole load of £££ on a rainbow monogrammed Louis Vuitton bag,  just because Paris Hilton had one.

Buying stuff just cus of celebrities, is just not cool. And hey, look! I've only gone and developed my own individual style that is completely ridiculous and relates to me, and me only.

(And my god, do I bloody own those prints and pastels, topped off with fluff and fun.)

W O R K

What 15-year-old Amy thought...

Picture Ugly Betty meets The Devil Wear Prada. I'd turn up to work in the most stylish stuff, cus, well, I would've designed them myself. Everyone around the world will be wearing my work, and of course I will have done this all before I'm 30, DUH. I'll be the next Elie Saab before I know it.

What my 25-year-old life is actually like...

A degree studying fashion design drove me NUTS. Lord knows I couldn't spend a career in it. I bloody love clothes but I nearly fell out of love with them (and that would've just been a crime.) I'll leave it to the professionals and just admire from afar thanks. And who knew that all those mad stories I used to make up and write, and the number of years of diary writing, would lead me to a job in writing eh? Still trying to find my exact place but I'm having a hell of a time on the way.

F A M I L Y

What 15-year-old Amy thought...

"Oh my GOD, why is Dad being SO unfair?! He just doesn't GET me at all!" is what I screamed on a nightly basis as I slammed my door with my Fall Out Boy poster stuck onto it. My parents just don't understand me and they're just there to ruin my life. If they weren't my parents, I wouldn't even want to spend any time with them! I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE OUT!

What my 25-year-old life is actually like...

Oh Amy. Amy, amy, amy. If only you knew how much you'd miss Mama and Pops when you move away to uni. Now, they're over 100 miles away when all you wish for is a cuddle off them at the end of an utterly shit day. I realised they're not just my parents, they're actual human beings who've lived a hell of a lot of life and are only looking out for me. They're caring, ambitious, hilarious and are filled with love, and no words would ever be enough to describe the love I have for them.

My brothers and I are closer than ever, the addition of sister-in-laws are a joy and I never knew how much unconditional love I could have for the tiny humans that are my nephew and nieces. Being an Aunty is THE best deal cus you get to have maximum fun with minimum responsibility!

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to be older.
Now, I'd love it just to slow down - just a tad - so I can enjoy and savour every moment and memory.

The past 25 years have been emotional, ecstatic and amazing.
I've learnt a hell of a lot about myself, life, and what I want from it.
And I can only imagine what the next 25 will bring.

Until next time...

A.x

6 commandments of 2016

Right, no surprises how this is going to start because 2016 has been a bit of a funny one hasn't it? There's been icons cruelly taken from us, people less than admirable voted into positions of power, and Sean Paul was Christmas no.1

I was talking to someone about this shambles of a year, and they said 'but I think you, personally, have had a pretty good year. Has it been a good year with shit bits, or a shit year with good bits?' I've thought about this, over and over again, and I truly don't know.
This year, generally and personally, has been so turbulent with more ups and downs than Tigger on speed.
But there have been some consistencies that have stuck throughout these 365 days, and me and my life are all the richer for it.

So I present to you, the 6 commandments that got me through 2016...

1.) Thou shall bawl my eyes out

A lot of shit went down and a lot of people said goodbye that affected me more than I ever expected it too. I was down and disappointed about Brexit. I was sad and couldn’t stop listening to Purple Rain on repeat. And I felt silly about how it had made me feel, how emotional I got about it…but I really shouldn’t have.

Don't feel ashamed to mourn your heroes. Being moved by art is one of the things that makes life worth living

— Darren Richman (@darrenrichman) December 27, 2016

 These people broke boundaries of social perception, they were brave, they were outspoken, they were hilarious, they bought joy into people’s life and they made others feel less alone. And for these personalities to stop existing anymore, well yeah, hell it’s upsetting.

It's been more emotionally harrowing this year than any other. From feeling part of my national identity was no more, to trying to put aside my emotional feelings to deal with practicalities through heartbreaking personal times.

Sadness is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you care. So put on your homegirl Adele and sob your little heart out because at the end of the day, it’ll feel so much better when you say hello on the other side. 

2.) Thou shall not let bitches kill my vibe

Look, we’ve each got our own shit to deal. I get it. But you taking out your drama on me, is not ok hun. Here I was just here chilling, until you bloody rained on my parade. Making me feel shit so you feel better is just not on. It’s like i’m just skipping along in life with my ballon, and you come over and pop it, like…what the fuck?

3.) Thou shall learn to do fuck all

I’m not very good at not doing much. On the rare weekend I don’t have plans and I plan to just be a couch potato and watch everything on the weekend, more often than not, I fail. UNTIL NOW.
I don't know it's down to my career being more demanding, my social life being busier, or feeling more emotional draining than ever, but this year I’m really mastered the art of doing squat all.
Even when I go away, usually I fill it to the brim with activities and trips to every monument and sight going (I love me a pretty cathedral) but this summer when I went to Ibiza, I did not much else than have walks in the sun, read on the beach, dance the night away and talk the world to rights over sangria and tapas.
Sometimes you really need to make plans to have no plans just to reset and recalibrate. Take time out to look after yourself y'all.

4) Thou shall not shut up about feminism

And I’m not going to step until men and women have equality rights, in all aspects. End of. 

If you need me, you can usually find me banging on about why we’re still not quite there yet (while on my 4th pint at the pub), retweeting all things Caitlin Moran or spontaneously shouting ‘yasss!’ on the train while reading Amy Poehler. 

5.) Thou shall stand up for one's self.

I hate confrontation and because of there, more often than not I’ll just take myself away from the situation and sit on the sidelines with a gin & tonic and stroking a puppy until it all blows over.
But sadly, my reluctancy for drama and desire for harmony gets taken advantage of, and that’s really not on boo.
So, I told myself to be brave, speak my mind, share my thoughts, be fair and not be aggressive about it.
Whether it’s someone I thought was a friend or someone who’s feelings for me made have hopes of a future together - I’m not there for you to walk over, talk down to, and believe me babes, you haven’t got my feelings sussed out (as much as you’d like to think you have).
Not here to cause a scene but I might be stronger than you think I am and I’m not going to let you make me feel otherwise. 

6. Thou shall fight back

Against inequality and injustice. Whether that be race, gender equality, social class, LGBTQ+ rights or poverty. Unfortunately, life isn’t fair - wouldn't it be swell if it was?
Good people get dealt bad hands and so-called bad people get fucking sweet deals. That’s just how things are sometimes sadly.

But the worst thing to do is sit back and just take it as it is.
Instead, speak out, get involved - fight the hell back.
And if anyone’s taught me how to fight back like a boss this year, is my mum.
After getting diagnosed and having surgery complications, she never gave up. And never will I again about anything or anyone I care or feel passionate about. 

2016. You’ve been a right doozy, but I’m a strong believer than that things happen for a reason. Yes we’ve cried some tears and might have been knocked back, but I’m a tougher, more informed, passionate person who gave a real fuck, because of it. So cheers for that...I guess?

2017, please be kinder and bring more hope.

Until next time...

A.x

11 reasons to swipe the hell left on Tinder

Once upon a time, I was swiping left and right on my phone like nobody's business

There were cute boys to chat to, who were saying silly-nice things to me until I resembled the blushing face emoji…what’s not to be on board with eh?

But sadly, the Tinder fairytale wasn’t meant to be. After deleting and re-downloading the app more times than a reality tv star promotes their workout DVD - usually when I’ve ran out of memory on my camera roll and then when I’m feeling hungover and needy on a rainy Sunday - I decided to banish it out of my life once and for all at the end of summer last year.
 (well, apart from logging in again for these screenshots - research and all)

And it’s not surprising to see why…

1.) Same shit, different day

Yeah, sliding your thumb from side-to-side is pretty easy and fun at times. But when you’re on a packed train and have stayed working late, the last thing on my mind is typing out one meaningless small talk after another, which took 20 left-swiped creeps to get to.


2.) It can be cringe-central

As someone who loves nothing more than a good pun, a cheesy line sadly does make me laugh more than it should but...even for a punster like me, there's a limit. Sometimes, it's just all too gouda to be true...

3.) Sometimes it's like talking to a robot

Hi, no I don't know what a girl like me is doing in a place like this, and yes I do like to have a fun time (you mean going roller-skating right?). I have a feeling that a strong case of copy and pasting is in use here.

4.) Sometimes it's racially questionable

I meannn.... Thanks? I think?

5.) Sometimes people are straight to the point



Short and sweet eh?

6.) And sometimes people are just looking for one thing (surprise surprise)


Well...at least they know what they're there for?! I’m don't have a fucking clue: A pretty face or a pretty decent conversation?! I get my ego stroked for a good while before feeling just a bit empty gonna be honest.

7.) It goes nowhere 

Might as well be on MSN and asking "wuu2?...nm, u?", while in my head, screaming 'WHY HAVEN'T YOU ASKED TO ACTUALLY MEET ME YET'


8.) You’re guilt-tripped for not wanting it to go anywhere

Sometimes, a handsome face lures you in, but the chat just isn't quite your cup of tea, which y'know, HAPPENS. Cus that's life. So you politely decline instead of lying or ghosting them (the absolute worst FYI). And for your honesty, you're met with cries of "WTF"', "are you serious" and "c'mon it's only fair".


9.) You’re constantly checking your phone

"Sorry, you were telling me about your day but I wasn't paying attention cus I was seeing if Tom the photographer who's 10 km away with the piercing green eyes has messaged me back."

10.) You’ve always got a low battery

As if liking photos on Instagram and Snapchatting your Friday night dancing along to Destiny’s Child didn’t drain your battery enough.

11.) You miss out on real life

Yep. I've been guilty of checking my phone more than I should, but it never got in the way and replaced my actual life. I’ve been out before at clubs, pubs, parties, get-togethers, and seen people just swiping away on their phones at the bar or in the corner on their own, away from all the interaction and people who are physically there. And that just makes me feel a bit sad y’know?

I’ve fallen in love with First Dates (along with the rest of the country) and as well as the show making me feel all smushy and in love with love, one of my biggest irks about it is when people appear on and have a whole tick-list of what they want in their perfect partner. Not to put a downer on things, but, aren’t you kinda setting yourself up for disappointment?

Going into a first date with an open-mind and open-heart is the only way to go...no?! And yeah, it might not go well or include more than it's fair share of awkward silences, but that’s OK!
(How else are you going to fill that autobiography of yours with fun anecdotes?)


My read at the moment is the always-funny Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance, and he’s hit the nail on the head with how I feel about about this who Tinder malarky:

“I would rather put myself in those social situations than get exhausted…While we may think we know what we want, we're often wrong.
There's not a dating service on this planet that can do what the human brain can do in terms of finding the right person."

TRUTH.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Tinder or any dating app - I went on some dates, met some nice people that I got on with from it, and have friends who are in kickass relationships from it - and I hope y’all have better luck or fun on it on your search for your Tinderella or whatever it is you're on there for.

 But for me? Afraid I'm swiping left on it - I’m having a whale of a time with the fun and cringe of my real life.

Until next time...

Stay happy!

A.x

14 things I'll never EVER understand

There's some things in life that I've learned to love or love to learn about - coriander, the taste of beer, how to make pasta - but there's just some things that I don't think I'll ever be able to grasp. 

I feel like I'm failing at life by not knowing these things but I just don't think I'll ever understand. At all. And that's just something I'm gonna have to live with, sigh.

1.) How to do the monkey bars

Or a hand-stand or cartwheel for that matter. Upper arm strength has never been and never will be my strong point, so please, never challenge me to an arm wrestle. It'll just end in me crying and with broken muscles.

2.) People looking fabulous when they leave the airport

You've just been suspended in a metal tin in the sky for hours, where the recycled air is not your skin's best friend. HOW on earth is your make-up flawless, your hair on point and are you strutting through airport security like a Victoria's Secret angel in stilettos, while I look like a shrivelled-up jacket potato?

3.) Why I like tequila so much

I honestly and whole-heartedly enjoy drinking tequila, not just to shot down as a quick-fix way to get drunk (and definitely without salt and lime please). 

NO, I DON'T KNOW WHY EITHER BUT I DO K.

4.) How people don't like Disney/Breakfast Club/Friends

I mean...just..how?! Sorry. Get out. We can't co-exist like this.

5.) How Cher Horowitz managed to pull off THIS all-time fave look

If you know me, you'll know my infinite love for Cher and all things fluffy and Clueless related. On paper, a long sheer shirt, worn over a argyle miniskirt with a cropped knitted tank top on top...sounds like absolute madness and believe me, I've tried it - and I looked like a golfer who'd stolen a blouse off their mum, who's a teacher and shrunken their jumper in the wash. But on screen? Oh baby, it's an outfit of dreams.

6.) Why some people are such dicks

JUST DON'T. Let's all just be nice humans y'all!

7.) Why people dislike pop music

It's pop music because it's popular, and if that's the only reason you're hating on it, then quit being such a hipster spoilsport - it's just some fun! I know you dance along to Carly Rae Jepson alone in your room like the rest of us.

8.) Why I can never cook Chinese food as well as my dad

He's taught me just how he does it, but when I leave the Lo household and try to recreate it back in my own abode, following the instructions to the tee, it just doesn't taste anywhere near as good. It's aiiiight, but IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME. Whyyyy.

9.) How Adele talks like this...

and sings like THIS

It's one of the most beautiful mysteries of the world.

10.) The most efficient way to pee with a jumpsuit on

Basically, there isn't one. You're either completely naked in a cubicle trying not to let your playsuit touch the sticky floor. Or if you're wearing shorts, you decide for once you're just going to manoeuvre your outfit strategically and you'll have finally have cracked this conundrum once and for all.

All it means is that you end up peeing on yourself and you wonder why you ever thought this was a good idea.

11.) Putting on mascara without pulling a face
I've tried. Oh man, have I tried.

12.) How much pasta to cook

It's always either the amount you would feed a small child, or enough for an army (which you'll envietably end up eating all of it anyway, cus, y'know...PASTA). 

13.) Just how much to filling to put inside a fajita
Maybe I'm just greedy. Maybe I've got bad perception. But I always fill my fajitas and it ends up overspilling, but I still think I can eat it, and before you know it, there's guacamole in my lap and everyone else at the dinner table has left me and my mess.

14.) How to NOT have wispy baby hairs when I put my hair up

I can't put up my hair up in a ponytail without at least a dozen kirby grips in it to stop my looking like Albert Einstein after an electric shock. ARIANA GRANDE TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.

Until next time...

A.x