Thursday, 12 March 2015

12 Things I'd Tell Drunk Me

Dear drunk Amy:
Hey, it's sober Amy here! Hope you're doing well - did you ever book that trip to Tunisia that you planned to? Anyway, I just wanted to have a little chat, cus I wish we could both just get along and play nice! Sure, we work together better and better with every night out or bottle of wine, but I think it's time we had a bit of a team talk. So here's some things and pieces of advice I want to address to you that you'll hopefully take on board while you down your next Glitterbomb....

1.) Don’t roll home still singing at the top of your lungs in the early hours of the morning
Yes, I know you had a great night and just want it to carry on by singing Call Me Maybe/Arctic Monkeys/No Diggity. But your poor neighbours! And as if the volume wasn't bad enough, just FYI, you ain't no Mariah Carey.

2.) Whatever you do, DON'T throw up in the taxi home
It's only happened once, but dear god was it embarrassing and 50 shades of gross. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us, just let's not have a repeated episode of it yeah?

3.) Stop attempting to make yummy potato goods when you get in at 3am

I know all you want is wedges, cheesy jacket potatoes and to gorge on a bowl of mash - but just get chips at the kebab shop like a normal person k? It’ll save the confusion and mess of half peeled spuds and herb-sprinkled baking trays the next morning. 

Not to mention it’s highly dangerous to mix alcohol with knives…

4.) Stop! after the 3rd tequila shot
You love tequila! You genuinely do, with or without lemon and salt - shocking I know - and others just don't understand the delicate love and bond you have and share. 
But it's a fine line to whether it loves you back or not. Up to 3 tequilas makes you as happy Pharrell Williams in a hat, but any more than that, and it ain't pretty. Trust me.

5.)Step away from your phone!
Not only are you a chronic drunk-texter, but you've evolved into a pretty bad drunk-snapchatter. I get it, you wish that that friend you love was here with you, but they probs don't appreciate having their phone go off at 4am with you screaming down the other end of it. And don't even get me started about the boys you decide to contact in your gin-fuelled drunken haze. Bad decisions all round. 

6.) Free champagne doesn't mean pour as much down your throat as you can
Cus limits and shit. Remember when dad had to haul his grown-ass daughter to bed cause she couldn't get into it? Yeah, well, let's not have that happen ever again....

7.) You need to chill the fuck out with your facial expressions 
Others have been known to say you have the facial expressions that of a selection of emoticons and emojis. And I feel ya girl, you're just having a real fun time, and can't contain that and it overflows onto your face (and there's also a little big of you that feels you're being a bit Cara Delevigne with your wacky poses). But just, calm it a lil' bit. Your Facebook feed will thank you for it.

8.) Back the hell away from that cigarette
You, Amy WY Lo, are a terrible social smoker. One drink down your throat and you're on a hunt for a smoke like a game of Where's Wally. You know it's terrible for you. You judge dad that he used to be like a chimney. You hate it! So just stop it, k?

9.) Vodka jellies are always a lot more tricky to shot that you think
You've had a few drinks, gotten a bit cocky, and before you know it, you've accepted a challenge and am taking part in a race of downing them. What you forget is that those wibbly-wobbly creatures are stuck in there pretty darn good, and you end up scraping that sucker out with your tongue like a spotty teen having their first kiss.
Oh, and don't think vodka gummi bears are just fun and games either. They're lethal lil' buggers.

10.) Please don’t lose your keys
You're pretty good with your belongings, not an ID even misplaced - and I know, I know, the keys things only happened that one time. And that lovely girl picked them up, and found you to return them to you! (Faith in humanity restored). But it'll just save you all the hassle of trying to crack your door down with a credit card, or the shame of having to ask your landlord for a spare key at silly o' clock.

11.) Oh, on the issue of locks, don't lock yourself in the bathroom!
You've gone to brush your teeth, or like that time where you felt like you might throw up, so you took yourself to the bathroom - good job btw - but maybe just keep the door shut and unlocked. Cus you've fallen asleep before, and then your housemates think something's to you while banging on the door, when all it is is that you've curled up on the rug with a toothbrush hanging out of your mouth.

12.) Kudos on letting your friends know how much you bloomin' love them
You've had a bit of rum and am feeling a bit melty and rather happy - evenmore so than usual - and you'll know doubt grab your friends towards you for a cuddle and a kiss, and profess your love and appreciation of them and the friendship you share. Which is all true as gold! But tbh, you'd probs be doing the same if you were sober anyway, cus we're both just soppy motherfuckers like that. 

Do you have any of these bad drunk traits?! I know I'm not the only one!

Stay happy!
Until next time,


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