Tuesday, 29 September 2015

16 signs that you're morphing into a Londoner

The other day, as I got to the platform feeling a bit bleary-eyed after a couple of drinks after work, all I dreamt of was getting home and collapsing onto my bed...only to just to see the train pull away.
"No biggie" I thought, and looked up to the board to see the next one was in 3 minutes.
Three. Whole. Minutes. What.
 Before I knew it, I found myself puffing and sighing under my breath. And at that point I know what had happened. Yep. I'd turned into a flipping Londoner.

And that's not the only glimpse that I've had that I've realised that I'm morphing into a one of those city types down in that there London...
1.) You become REAL impatient
We may be the nation that queues, but just like the 3 minute tube incident, you just ain't got no time for anyone or anything. Someone walking slightly slower than you in front of you? You overtake with fury while all that poor sucker was doing was enjoying the sights of their holiday.

2.) "Sorry, I'm busy this weekend - I'm off to another pop-up activity/exhibition/bar"
Yep. Welcome to the club. You've become one of those dickheads who does wacky and ridiculously niche things but you just can't help it. THERE'S JUST SO MUCH FUN TO BE HAD DAGNAMMIT!

3.) To the left, to the left
You find yourself judging people who are standing at on the left hand side of the escalator
"Move to the right hand side of the escalator please people! I'm running 5 mins late to work and I'm carrying a bag with a my packed lunch and an umbrella in it and I'm not afraid to use it!"
That is, until the one time you rush down the left hand side and get your bag caught and end up tumbling down them in a sitcom fashion. Yep. That happened.

4.) You get angry at people who don't Oyster card out and ready
You know there's going to be a gate you have to go through, right? But then you feel instantly terrible because it's just a poor parents who taken their kids down to see all the sites for the weekend, and as if keeping 2 kids in order wasn't overwhelming enough, they now have you tutting at them for not having their ticket out RIGHT AWAY. Shame on you.

5.) You avoid Oxford Street like the plague
Imma stay at home and buy that birthday present online thanks. I'll just end up angry, irritated and being a moody cow adn no-one wins.

6.) Everything's either too far or just down the line
"You're East? Oh, I'm West...yeah...sorry, this isn't going to work out between us. It's not you, it's me. No wait. IT'S LONDON." But while my love life might have taken a few hits through Zone dilemmas, apparently I will travel far and wide for food and booze. Food festival all the way over at Ally Pally? Karaoke in Hoxton? Gin bar in Greenwich?? I'm there! Just give me 45 minutes...

7.) Remember that thing called personal space? 
That vanished long ago when that drunk guy on the tube feel asleep on your shoulder, or when you your face got pushed up into that person's armpit on your commute.

8.) You dread people outside of London asking you about rent
While you think you're rent's pretty decent talking to others in London, as soon as you leave the big smoke bubble, you realise that it's not.... Yes, I know that with the amount I pay I could probably put a down-payment on a house and get on the property ladder somewhere else in the country, but right now in my life, there's no place I'd rather live and frolic around in. You do you, I'll do me, kay?

9.) Your concept of what's affordable is messed up
"£2 for a bottle of water?! That's preposterous! Water's a human right!.....£20 for a mini lobster burger dipped in a wasabi mayo and a pint? Oh, and there's a queue? Yeah sure!" Priorities am I right?...

10.) You're an absolute boss when it comes to walking
Didn't think there was anything more to walking than putting one foot in front of another? Well, no you dodge round people like it's a slalom course, pivoting on your feet and everything (glad to see those netball skills still come in use)

11.) You're a master of navigating your way home when you're drunk or hungover
Need to locate the nearest tube stop from the pub, get there before the last tube and in under the time that Google Maps that says it takes? No problem. Even after 5 G&Ts in, I promise we'll get there. It's amazing what auto-pilot mode you can get into when you've got booze on your side (or not in the case of the morning after the night before)

12.) That being said, you still rely on Citymapper like a bitch
I can confirm that it is possible to get lost using GPS, and for you to be 15 minutes late because you walked past the place you were supposed to be about 5 times before realising that you'd reached your destination.

13.) You DREAD seeing the 'seek assistance' sign flashing at the tube gate
Having to scour away from the gate and try another gate, or worse yet, having to find the staff while everyone tuts at you and walks into you. Getting heart palpitations just thinking about it...

14.) You have the superpower to Tetris-fit your way into any tube carriage
No matter how over-crowded it is, you'll find some way to fit yourself in there. Cus gosh darn-it, if you have to wait another 3 minutes for the next time...

15.) But equally, you get hella creeped out when a tube carriage is empty...
What in fresh hell is this ghost town?! It feels far too weird not having someone accidentally fall into me as the train stops - Is there a party going on that I missed a memo on...

16.) You say 'Have a nice day' and someone still seems surprised
You tell someone to have a lovely weekend, or ask that girl that her shoes are amazing, and they seem so shocked by olive branch of human contact that they're a bit taken aback. And then you realise you're not THAT terrible stereotype that everyone thinks people in London are like - you know the one where they think everyone's grumpy and no-one talks to one another?
 (Yeah, it's pretty much a load of boo hockey - yeah, some people ARE like that, but they're probably just mardy anyhow y'know?)
Yes you might run up the escalators like a man person to get to the tube, but you also run after that man in the park to tell him how cute his puppy is.

Until next time...
Speak happy!

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