Sunday, 14 June 2015

16 things that teenage me wouldn't believe will happen to her life

When I was 15 or so, I had SUCH an idea of what I thought my life and I was going to be like when I grew up.
Oh, you knew nothing lil' Amy. You still know hardly anything now. So sit back while I tell you a couple of things that are going to happen to you, that you never thought would...

1.) You bloody go and get your nose pierced. 
It's not even something you knew you wanted, but my god, you love it oh-so-much. A cartilage piercing on your ear took you 2 years to pluck up the go and get, but your nose? Nah. After some fleeting thoughts, just stroll in there after a day's thought. You'll keep it in just for the year you're still a student in Sheffield you think to yourself.
But who are you kidding?  It's something that sparkles on your face - you're keeping that lil' sucker there, at least for a little while.

2.) Who'd have ever thunk it, but you'll end up LOVING olives, Brussel sprouts, wine AND even beer!
Sheffield turned you into a Pale Ale enthusiast. And maybe, just maybe, the fact you're not just drinking £2.99 pre-drink wine anymore helps. Just an inkling.

3.) Now this may come as a shock - so you may want to take a seat - but you don't want to be a fashion designer. 
I know it's been your dream since you were about 6 and played that fashion wheel toy to death. But you went to uni, and although you loved and wouldn't have changed a thing, all the dying of wool, constant pins pricking your fingers and sheer stress of it sheer fabrics, made your realise that you'd much rather admire it from afar before you fell out with it for good.

4.) After a lil trip to Malia, you won't ever want Sambuca to touch your lips again. 
Nop, nop noppity nop. Never want to hear the word 'fish' put together with the word 'bowl' ever again.

5.) You bloody love skirts and dresses.
After all those years fighting mum about wearing them (to be fair, she did dress you up in some pretty dire pieces that were reminiscent of curtains, back in the day), you realise that they're your BFF. Also, your favourite colour doesn't stay being navy blue that is usually found on your Reebok tracksuit bottoms - it's too hard to have just ONE favourite colour anyhow.

6.) You won't own a pair of Jimmy Choos by the time you're 21.
a.) you're too much of a shop-a-holic to save up that kind of money, b.) that's kinda insane, and c.) you really don't care about shoes that much - you're more of a bags kinda gal.

7.) Don't worry - your hair WILL grow long
So long in fact that it reaches the top of your trousers, so really, strop fretting about haircuts so much.

8.) You'll never save up and get the Juicy Couture velour tracksuit that has 'JUICY' tattooed on the bum. Soz. 
But you'll be glad of it. Trust me. They belong back in 2002, along with Paris Hilton.

8.) You never nail smoky eyes or become a pro at eyeshadow.
No matter how much you try and how many YouTube tutorials you follow and blending you do, you'll never get the hand or get into the habit of wearing eyeshadow that you wanted so much. Ain't no-body got time for that - you and your trusty eyeliner are a partnership made in heaven.

9.) Your schoolgirl crush on Harry Judd from McFly, won't fade.
You may not have posters up on your bedroom wall anymore, but your heart will still get all in a tizzy when you see snaps of him on drumming topless Instagram. Oof.

10.) You will finally get the hang of contact lenses. Trust me.
Yes, I know continuously prodding yourself in the eye with a piece of plastic until you're crying isn't fun. But they'll get to a time when you can do it hungover and without a mirror - pinky promise. And anyway, the older you get, the less fucks you give about wearing your glasses anyway, so it's a win-win all round really! (except for the fact you don't have good vision...)

11.) You WILL regret your highlights.
I know you think they're really cool, but...WHY, OH WHY, did you spend literal hours and £££ at the hairdressers, for blonde chunks?! Save your money, your poor hair, and yourself all the hassle. Dark - and hopefully mysterious - is the way to go. 

12.) You get a Masters degree - huzzah!
After all that time arguing with dad about how it's not the way things are done now, and you'd rather get straight into the industry, your fashion designer epiphany made you realise your passion and you realised you DEFINITELY weren't ready to be a legit adult yet. Being a student for another year while learning to be a proper journo sounds like a pretty good deal.

13.) You get pretty good at cooking (if you do say yourself *fingernail emoji*)
To say you used to bake scones that even your nan wouldn't pretend tasted nice, I think the words 'improved' would be apt to use here. You know how dad's a cook, so he kind of likes to be the boss of the kitchen and doesn't let anyone get a look-in? Well, that means you can't make anything for yourself to eat, bar scrambled eggs and ramen noodles. But fear not! Moving away to uni means you HAVE to learn to cook, cus y'know, otherwise you'll starve. So nailing the perfect jacket potato, turns to endless pasta combination, develops into insane salads and evolves into copious baked goods and a crackin' roast dinner.

14.) Fake tan and eyelashes aren't worth the effort.
I know that you wouldn't even bare the thought of going out-out without a set of lashes on. But all those Friday nights you spend slapping on brown goo on you (hello? you're've got olive-toned skin anyway!), and Saturday mornings waking up thinking you had spiders on your pillow, are just too much hassle. Reserve them for special occasions and fancy dress days.

15.) You move to London
Yes I know,  I know. I bet you can't even fathom the thought of this - what with your hatred of crowds, and love of the countryside and being a girl who was born and bred in suburbia. BUT, you know what? You get a crackin' job, some pretty sweet friends of yours live there, and there's tons of fun things to do. So all in all, you love it. And trust me, you'll get the hang of the tube - honestly? It's pretty simple and you'll grow attached to living on the Northern line.

16.) You haven't a clue what your doing with your life
I know at this point in your life, you think that being in your 20s is well grown-up, and you'll have your life well and truly sorted. But that couldn't be further from the truth. And that's more than OK. "I'll live in an amazing house with my dream job, with a killer car, with *the one*, and never have to borrow money from your parents ever again", thought EVERY 16-year-old ever.
But all of that isn't as easy as you think, and definitely entails more than you thinking 'Oh, I'd like to have a cream Mini Cooper!"
 Of course you're a way more well-rounded person at 23 than you are at 15, but me and you both know that we're just disguising as an adult in the real working world, and there's still so much of your story to live out yet!
So just hang tight and enjoy the ride kiddo.

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