Yes, I have been listening to Taylor Swift's 1989 album on repeat like the rest of the world. And yes I'm relating to all of the lyrics.
After a series of failed romantic encounters over the past year, I finding myself asking 'Why?'
As well has singing along to 'Blank Space' and 'Bad Blood' at the top of my lungs with all my heart, I also recently read Alexa Chung's book, IT, where in one part, she talks about heartbreak.
And as I was reading it, I thought to myself 'God, I miss that feeling'.
It's not that I miss feeling heartbroken and thinking that my life will never be as happy as before, because I can tell you, that fucking SUCKS.
But I miss caring and loving someone so much, and being so emotionally invested with someone and my future with them, that it hurts so much when it ended.
And I haven't felt like that in a long time.
Yeah I've dated guys, and I've been excited and a bit nervous before seeing them each time.
But you know those butterflies in your stomach? Well they're not a cliche, and I haven't had that feeling in so long.
Things have happened out of the blue, but they've disappeared as quickly as they came along.
And it's even made me question myself..
'Is there something wrong with me? Why do guys always end up bailing on me?'
When there's no reason for me to feel that way.
Hey! I'm a nice girl! Who has plenty to offer and be a companion to someone
(Single, nice young guys - hit me up!)
It's just sometime things don't work.
And that's OK.
I just like being in a relationship.
I'm good in a relationship.
I like caring about someone else in my life, and having them there for me. I love being part of a partnership. I like feeling like I could potentially have a future with someone - whether that's real or just filled with empty dreamlike promises.
And don't get me wrong, I'm genuinely really happy.
I'm happy with my life and myself.
And I'm not one of those girls whose sole purpose in life is to be on the hunt for a boyfriend.
(Apart from that one time where I cried about how lonely I was after one too many tequila shots. Oh drunk Amy, why do you always have to embarrass you and I both?)
And even after a year of guys who were sneaky, dishonest, wrong timing, and things just simply not clicking...
I know for a fact that all those recent past romantic encounters, and less recent relationships, didn't work out for a reason.
And I honestly wouldn't truly be happy in them now.
I'm so thankful for even experiencing something so deep and meaningful (vom.) already at the grand old age of 22.
And I wouldn't change any of it.
Because if you don't go for it, then how will you ever know?
It's easy to get nostalgia and happy memories confused with missing someone and genuine emotions.
But, you can feel happy about a time in the past, without still wanting it now.
And I know when the right person comes along, and the time is right, it willl all come together, and it'll all be worth it.
I guess I just miss feeling...something.
Something real.
Stay happy,
Until next time...
A.x
